Monday 4 June 2012

baby step

UMMC. Around end of March 2011

After discharge from Surgery Ward, I came for work as usual. My colleagues’ Gaians always give me support. THANX GUYS.  Muah muah muahs.

After a while, my result came out. Doctor said the sample did not show a good result. I thought they had the bestest machine in the lab (?).  I was scheduled to do another biopsy using another method PTBD in April. That procedure was really terrified. I really scared. I can still remember how painful it was. Asking for more anesthetic drug but it doesn’t work.  Still can feel the needle injected into my back, into the pancreas part. I can feel it..Ya Allah..I cried asking for more drugss..Every second was like one hour..

“Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar”

After that procedure, I don’t have any energy.. I can't even talk.. 3 days later I was discharge, waiting again for the result. Again.. I know I have to be patience.

“Y a Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim, HambaMu ini mempunyai penyakit Ya Allah. Engkaulah yg menurunkan penyakit dan menyembuhkannya Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya Engkaulah yg Maha Penyayang antara yg paling Penyayang Ya Allah, Angkatlah penyakit ku ini Ya Allah”

One month later in May, doctor confirmed I was a Lymphoma Non-Hodgkins. Doctor sent me to Hematology Clinic to proceed for chemotherapy. We made the appointment for that but I decided NO CHEMO for me.  Am I scared? DEFINITELY!

Why chemo? Is that  the only and ONLY solution? Is there any way? How long I can stand after the chemo? Chemo will kill all my other good cell right? Doctors said Lymphoma is the easiest way to cure using chemo..is it true? how true it is? I know tak salah kita cuba. But i really have doubts :(

Hanya Allah SWT je yg tau how long I can stay. I want to try other treatment. I don't care!


"Kite wajib berusaha utk menyembuhkan penyakit, dgn izinNya. Berusaha, doa & tawakal.
InsyaAllah..I trust HIM."



Perasaan masa tu hanya antara saya dan Allah SWT yg tahu. Another dugaan for me. Ya Allah apalagi yg Engkau cuba duga hambaMu ini. So dramatic. It is real? Am I dreaming? Rasa kaki tak jejak tanah pun ade. Batu besar dari gunung nombor 2 menghempap dada ni..tapi masa tu semacam dah takde ape-ape perasaan. What I know lepas ni, I REALLY REALLY REALLY have to must be superstrong to fight this!     (Crying)

My first step was how good my connection with Allah SWT? Bile dugaan datang baru kita nak ingat padaNya. 

"Ya Allah, Sesunguhnya kami milik Allah dan kepada-Nya kami akan kembali (pada hari kiamat). Ya Allah! Berikanlah pahala kepadaku dan gantilah aku dgn lebih baik (drpd musibahku)"

"Ya Allah ampunilah segala dosa-dosa ku, sesunnguhnya aku hamba Mu yg lalai. Ya Allah sesunnguhnya Engkaulah Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Mengasihani. Ameeen Ameeen Ameeen"




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