Thursday 24 February 2011

bitter heart

im like doing things im not suppose to do...open her bag. smell her things. keep imagine how might she will look like. i miss her..
i really want to hold her.  
touch her. 
kiss her. 
feed her..

feel like i want to have baby very soon. but heart still bleed. 
Oh my..

Saturday 19 February 2011

fake smile

i am writing for the first time after a long ques. it takes ages for me to write again..since high school it was a big paused. i am now married with such a nice, heartwarming and very sweet guy ever. i love u dear hubby..i have been pregnant twice last year. 2010 was really a painful year for both of us. we have learn to be tough. the first one was miscarriage. the second one, my precious baby girl hannah passed away in my womb at 42 weeks & 2 days.
since that i am trying as tough as i can. i am a mummy without baby by my side. i trying super hard to be strong. i am allergic to babies but i am trying to act  normal  with friend's babies. but the truth is my heart still bleed..it's bleeding badly as i never feel the pain anymore. my cries is like my best friend. my dear hubby also hurts. i know. he definitely yes. he act like nothing have been happened to us. he is bleeding too but he hide it safely, trying to be happy all the time, cheering me up every single moment..arghh. but i cant! i dont deserve to be happy. i want to be sad for this. i have to be sad. i just feel i have to be sad forever..
my heart just pumping out and out and out till it will burst anytime. it feels like the biggest rock just smash my heart out. i cant breath dear God... every time people give me hope. every time people i love pray for me. every time people keep asking same questions. every time i have to answer same questions. every time i can not sleep at nights. every time i miss her badly..i just cant pretend nothing happen! here i am trying badly to smile at everyone (im okay with these but im not okay!!).

74 days..my precious Hannah,  i knew you are definitely in good hands of God and angels. you had the best-est place and love up there
tho i have so many loves around me especially my hubby. i cant loose hope. human just stupidly thinking forever what they had lost but not appreciate what they having now.
dear God..only You can heal everything..