baby step

UMMC. Around end of March 2011

After discharge from Surgery Ward, I came for work as usual. My colleagues’ Gaians always give me support. THANX GUYS.  Muah muah muahs.

After a while, my result came out. Doctor said the sample did not show a good result. I thought they had the bestest machine in the lab (?).  I was scheduled to do another biopsy using another method PTBD in April. That procedure was really terrified. I really scared. I can still remember how painful it was. Asking for more anesthetic drug but it doesn’t work.  Still can feel the needle injected into my back, into the pancreas part. I can feel it..Ya Allah..I cried asking for more drugss..Every second was like one hour..

“Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar”

After that procedure, I don’t have any energy.. I can't even talk.. 3 days later I was discharge, waiting again for the result. Again.. I know I have to be patience.

“Y a Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim, HambaMu ini mempunyai penyakit Ya Allah. Engkaulah yg menurunkan penyakit dan menyembuhkannya Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya Engkaulah yg Maha Penyayang antara yg paling Penyayang Ya Allah, Angkatlah penyakit ku ini Ya Allah”

One month later in May, doctor confirmed I was a Lymphoma Non-Hodgkins. Doctor sent me to Hematology Clinic to proceed for chemotherapy. We made the appointment for that but I decided NO CHEMO for me.  Am I scared? DEFINITELY!

Why chemo? Is that  the only and ONLY solution? Is there any way? How long I can stand after the chemo? Chemo will kill all my other good cell right? Doctors said Lymphoma is the easiest way to cure using chemo..is it true? how true it is? I know tak salah kita cuba. But i really have doubts :(

Hanya Allah SWT je yg tau how long I can stay. I want to try other treatment. I don't care!

"Kite wajib berusaha utk menyembuhkan penyakit, dgn izinNya. Berusaha, doa & tawakal.

InsyaAllah..I trust HIM."

Perasaan masa tu hanya antara saya dan Allah SWT yg tahu. Another dugaan for me. Ya Allah apalagi yg Engkau cuba duga hambaMu ini. So dramatic. It is real? Am I dreaming? Rasa kaki tak jejak tanah pun ade. Batu besar dari gunung nombor 2 menghempap dada ni..tapi masa tu semacam dah takde ape-ape perasaan. What I know lepas ni, I REALLY REALLY REALLY have to must be superstrong to fight this!     (Crying)

My first step was how good my connection with Allah SWT? Bile dugaan datang baru kita nak ingat padaNya. 

"Ya Allah, Sesunguhnya kami milik Allah dan kepada-Nya kami akan kembali (pada hari kiamat). Ya Allah! Berikanlah pahala kepadaku dan gantilah aku dgn lebih baik (drpd musibahku)"

"Ya Allah ampunilah segala dosa-dosa ku, sesunnguhnya aku hamba Mu yg lalai. Ya Allah sesunnguhnya Engkaulah Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Mengasihani. Ameeen Ameeen Ameeen"

i am cancer patient (?!)

BismillahirRahmanirRahim...
As salam everyone.

After so long i was inspired to write again. Thanks to Dr. Azizan Osman and one of his program, IMKK. I really really think I have to, I must share my experienced with all of you out there. Zillions zillions thanks to my hubby. He was the one who officially sent me to this IMKK rock show. What I had learned in IMMK was the Power of LOVE. My mission now is spreading my love  as much love as i can give. The more you give the more you get. Please share this with your loves one okey and Happy Reading :)

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In 2009 i get married to a very charming King, Khairul Anuar b. Abdul Aziz. Happily married. End of 2009, saya keguguran with Blighted Ovum. Orang Melayu sebut Bunting Anggur. Itu pun pertama kali saya dgr perkataan tu..Then, in December 2010 dugaan yg kedua terbesar dlm hidup saya was my baby meninggal dlm perut. Dah cukup bulan dah due pun.  Bersalin normal kt Hospital Sg Buloh. Dalam mac 2011 after lepas pantang, saya masuk keje balik macam biasa. Tak sampai 2 minggu keje, saya di sahkan kene demam kuning. (why i got jaundice? bukan baby je ke kene jaundice ?!).

That time, suami outstation kat ipoh pulak. so i pergi check up kt kpj damansara, Walk in to any available specialist. Dr. Yati the radiologist said  my gall duct ade lymp nodes. Pancreas pun ada lymph nodes.. Gluurpp..ok. now what? Ade gall stone ke? (So so many things in my head masa tu). Doc suruh admit keesokannye to proceed untuk pasang stent kat gall duct, since laluan gall duct tersumbat, what ever toksin (billirubin) yg sepatutnya keluar dari liver tak boleh keluar and that MAKES me jaundice.The stent tu untuk jadi alternative way to get rid off all the toxic in my body. what should i dooo? Saya decide utk blk rumah dulu tggu encik suami blk dr Ipoh. Malam tu, bile encik suami balik, we decided go to UMMC malam tu jugak sebab pakcik sedara doctor kat sane, so at least  he can find out cepat skit ape yg jadi pada saya..
No wonder. I felt weird, super weird.

On that particular week, symptom yg saya hadapi adalah:
1) Cepat sgt penat, balik keje tido. Esok pg bgn pn penat and ngantuk lagi
2) Buang air besar tak normal (Sorry to say this. the color mcm tak de color. PALE..yes it was true)
3) Buang air kecil macam color darah pn ade. sgt kotor
4) Demam sikit
5) Badan dah start kuning
6) Mata dah kuning OBVIOUSLY kuning
7) Berpeluh malam masa tidur

Kat UMMC, sy di masukkan ke wad surgeri 7U. Doktor kat sane buat macam2 test. CT Scan, X-Ray, Lab Test la.. Ding dong ding dong, selepas 1 minggu baru doktor decide saya kene tebuk somewhere kat area abdomen. pasang tiub utk keluar toksin2 dlm badan. Tu pun after saya da demam teruk..Baru buat satu prosedur kecik, i am helpless. 3 hari tak bermaya, makan tak mau, macam da takde energy langsung. After recovered, doctor nak buat ERCP melalui mulut. ERCP ni ialah masukkan tiub kt dalam saluran badan and detection using fluorescent method. For more please click here ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endoscopic_retrograde_cholangiopancreatography). Nasib baik ade ubat bius, so tak sedar ape. Tujuan ERCP masa tu, nak ambil sample kt gall duct. It was failure sebab tak dapat ambil sample yg baik kat kawasan gall duct tu. Saya dibagitahu plak mase CT scan, ade lymph nodes kt pancreas pulak. So another ERCP untuk ambil sample kt pancreas. Ok. Done! Doctor kata sample yg di ambil was a very good sample. So kene tggu report bulan 4 nnt. Lepas buat ERCP saya memang susah nak bernafas macam biase. Siap kene pakai tank Oksigen.. Nak bangun lagi tak boleh. Ke toilet pun berpimpin. Solat pn baring je..Ya Allah, betapa indahnye nikmat bernafas yg selama ni bagi free2 kat aku sebagai manusia. Tapi kenapa mcm sibuk sgt takde masa nk bersyukur untuk semua tu sebelum ni :(
Berterima kasihlah selalu padaNya. Dalam keadaan semacam ni la baru sy sedar yg saya selama ni tak byk bersyukur. The Power of GRATEFUL.  Rase macam tak cukup je kalau saya nk bertahmid (Alhamdulillah) sampai bile2 utk nikmat yg dipinjamkanNya pada saya.

Sedar tak sedar dan nak sebulan menginap kt hospital . Saya memang fobia and benci dgn hospital. Dari kecik lagi memang tak suke bau hospital. Suami plak tak pergi keje jaga saya kt hospital. Tido duduk atas kerusi sebelah katil saya tiap2 mlm sejak sakit. Mandi pn kt hospital. Nasib baik bos suami sgt2 memahami. I cant imagine kalau die takde mase tu..Bersyukur sangat ade suami yg masih di sisi untuk mengharungi dugaan ni. Ya Allah, terima kasih di atas kasih sayang Mu melalui suami ku. Teringat lagi masa2 sukar suami kene pimpin saya tiap kali nk ke bilik air dan nak mandi. Hello??? I'm 27 years old, tak tua pn lagi..tapi suami saya dah terpakse susah payah menjaga isteri nye yg sakit. Makan bersuap segala..My heart really really scratched, kemek koyak semua ade..Khairul Anuar Abdul Aziz! I love you so much!! Saya akan hargai awak dunia akhirat.

Diagnosis awal mmg mengatakan saya ada Lymphoma. Ape tu (?!) Doktor kate lymphoma is a CANCER. What? What again? Rase mcm kene hempap dengan batu sebesar gunung je. Tak boleh nak bernafas...